The Making of An Evil Mistress

By Andrea Miccaver

Another OWG challenge. For the life of me, I can't remember what the specifications were for this one. Oh well, when I find out I'll edit this.

"Sway your hips! Engorge your lips!" I yelled at the three young women.

They did as they were told. Well, two of them did as they were told, the other one seemed to be confused as to the meaning of engorge. Swaying, they each made their way toward their separate targets; two men with dazed expressions and one man with a frown. I could see impending doom in my third pupil's endeavors, but part of teaching was letting your students make mistakes. How else would I get stories to tell in exchange for a drink?

"Stroke and strike!" With my words, all of the men went down. "Now," I said, marching down the short row to better see their results. "Your man should be nicely eviscerated."

Gina stood proudly before the spilled guts of her man. Natasha, as always, had gone a step further with her own man--not only was he smiling, but in her hands she held his still beating heart. Then there was Lauren.

I stepped into the brawl she was having with her man and sliced his neck before he succeeded in slicing hers. I picked Lauren's dagger from the dead man's limp hand and held it under her nose in silent accusation.

In our kingdom though, silent accusation was never enough. "What. The bloody hell. Was that!"

She looked down, ashamed. Then, obviously remembering lesson number one: An Evil Mistress must act like one, Lauren glared at me. It would have been a semi effective glare if her lower lip wasn't trembling. "The Sultry Strike, Ma'am."

"Not even close. Sway your hips does not mean twitch like you're having a seizure. Sullen is not sultry." My breath hissed in and out of the hole in my otherwise functional nose--a present from my mother. I backed away from Lauren before I gave in to the impulse to kill her.

My liege, his highness, King of the Five Bridge Realm--and the most evil ruler in the world--had strictly ordered three prospective Evil Mistresses to be trained for his future viewing. Three, however lousy the third may be.

"All of you! Clean up this mess and prepare for a second round." In a desperate attempt at motivation I added, "Remember! These are the most evil prisoners our dungeons hold. The rapists, murders, and tax auditors of our kingdom!"

Mildew, my assistant and secret friend, shared my woes over a bottle of the worst whiskey ever conceived. "GrindThat," she said, looking at me with ever sorrowful eyes, "they really were the only qualified ones in the whole kingdom."

"How exactly were they chosen?" I hadn't been part of the picking process, only the training.

"By their beauty of course." I raised a scarred eyebrow--a present from my father. "As you well know, beauty is scarred away from the women in our kingdom very early in life." True enough. When I was three, my beauty had been sold at a penny a pound. "Those who still have it must of necessity be viscous." It was very smart thinking and I told Mildew that. She nodded a patchwork quilt of scars that was otherwise known as her scalp in my direction. "I've been thinking, GrindThat. These women may do better if they had names worthy of an Evil Mistress."

"Such as?"

"HoneyWolf." she replied promptly.

"Warm, wet, and vicious. I like it." It would fit Gina perfectly. "What else?"

"MoonEmbrace."

What the-- "I don't get it."

"Because you can't breath on the moon."

Oh. "If I didn't get it the first time, what makes you think the soldiers and peasants would? We don't want them mistaking her for a sissy."

"Good point." Mildew thought it over. "How about SolarEmbrace?"

"Because the eedjit who hugs the sun turns into chemical ash. I like it." It was definitely the name for Natasha. "One more."

The following pause was a lot longer than those preceding it. So long in fact, that when that nights lessons came around, I still hadn't thought of a suitable name for Lauren. "Rot!"

Mildew frowned. "Are you sure GrindThat? Gangrene might be better. Green is such a lovely color."

"Money and mold." It wasn't like Lauren was a real contender for the title of Evil Mistress. What would her name matter? Satisfied, I went and told my pupils.

"GrindThat," his highness, King of the Five Bridge Realm said a few days later. "I have been observing the potential Evil Mistresses. I am impressed with your work." Suitably suspicious of the compliment, I was not at all surprised when he went on to announce that he would make his choice tonight. Or at least that's what I deducted from the statement, "I find myself in the right mood to enjoy such women." Being the King, he didn't need to say more.

I shamelessly took out my nervousness on my pupils. They had never studied so hard nor looked so good while doing it. They were dressed in the finest see-through silk and decorated with gems stolen from every kingdom. Even Gangrene looked breathtakingly beautiful and dangerous. It was amazing what could be accomplished in the right light.

When his highness and the usual entourage arrived, I knew they were impressed. HoneyWolf batted her eyes and swayed becomingly, seeming to dance on her feet. SolarEmbrace stalked like a lioness, focused on the prize, Gangrene--well I could only hope that her tripping over her own feet wouldn't reflect poorly on myself.

I couldn't help smiling as his highness looked each one over.

"My liege, I am so pleased to finally meet you." With pauses and lip licking in just the right places, SolarEmbrace made that statement sound very naughty indeed. This escapade would surely win me many honors.

If it didn't get my head chopped off.

"My liege?" Gangrene asked, sounding very uncertain.

"You have doubts that you serve me?" The king asked dangerously.

"Well," Gangrene replied. "I've never met the King. I was under the impression this was another test."

Stealthily I began making my way toward the exit. Hopefully I could reach it before my head began to roll. "Have the rest killed," the King said lazily.

HoneyWolf and SolarEmbrace didn't even have time to scream. I waited for the blow to my own person. It never came. Opening my eyes warily, I saw a sight to shock an eel. Gangrene was looking adoringly into his highness's eyes as he whispered who knew what into her ear. Seeing me, his highness laughed.

"You did your job well, GrindThat. Too well, I would say. Those others would have made excellent Evil Mistresses. On reflection, not something that would be beneficial to my health. I should have been more clear in my instructions. What I required was someone Evil Mistress-ish."

So I got my reward after all, although we now have an Evil Mistress named Gangrene. My new title is The Official Tutor of Evil Mistress-ish Women in all of the kingdoms that desire such creatures--which turned out to be more than anyone would have thought possible.