Santa's Sin

By Andrea Miccaver

Santa's Sin was originally made for the OWG's 2005 Bad Santa challenge. This is the modified version.

Holy Hell. Another one of those bloody pointy roofed houses. How in hell was I supposed to park my stupid sleigh on this thing? It had antenna's and satellites out it's ying yang. Who needed that many gadgets? They were going on my list. My temptation list.

Every year, just before the Hellfire Club's popularity poll, I push my ratings up with this stint. I trade in my chariot for a sleigh, dress my imps in little costumes, and give my flying horses some antlers. It's for only one night but I have those greedy souls waiting all year for me. I'd been worried a bit when they started calling me Santa. All they have to do is move the 'n' and presto! My grift was screwed. Greed won out though and they turned a blind eye. Damn, I'm good.

I don't just jump down chimneys though. Sure I like the flames--but all these years of gluttony have had their price. It's all the fault of those prissy pristine pansies-on-high. They thought it was a good idea for little brats to offer me sweets. I could hear their jokes about sweetening my temper all the way from my throne. The wife tried getting me to go on a diet. Life's for living, I'd told Persephone--though she likes being called Mrs. Claws these days. Scratches my back to smithereens every year just to live up to her reputation.

I dematerialized myself into countless bits then pushed all of these cells of myself into an available entryway. Turns out the gizmo geeks have a chimney. So for once I did as advertised. I rushed down their chimney and dodged the hot coals. Before materializing I scanned the place for threats. Just a golden retriever which I scared off with a growl so menacing it left it's own gift. Ho ho ho.

Time for presents. My imps had been stealing them all year. Elves and their workshop! That's the biggest cover up in all of history. I pulled out my wish list. It's a nice piece of work that will automatically find my location and provide the information straight from the residents hearts. Earrings, a cell phone, and a box of pills. Okay, the jewelry made sense and the phone was no problem. What I didn't understand was the pill reference. It hadn't said "The Pill" because then I would have known what kind. Hell's bells, everyone knows what kind those are. I needed something a little more specific.

"What's that smell?" a high pitched voice asked. Crap! The brat had snuck down.

"Your dog farted," I lied.

"Oh. Did you like the cookies?" The mere mention of the things made one appear in my hand. They were still warm. Unable to resist I took a bite. Way back in the day Heaven had been about enjoying the moment. Now people have to pay consequences.

After one last swallow and a lot of smacking of my lips I put my full attention to the brat. She was nothing more than a runt. Her eyes were sunken in and shadowed. Her hair was thin and falling out. I hadn't come to see her suffering. It was like the deliveries I had to make to the hospital. I couldn't hand out cures. That was Gabriel's thing. It isn't my fault people get sick. Still, the fact that I was trying to convince myself didn't bode well. "Hey kid, can you help me with this last item here?"

She came over and looked at my list. "That's not everything we asked for," she pointed out with that annoying habit brats had of being blunt.

"Yeah well, the other list doesn't count. This is what you guys really want and there's only one wish per person."

"Oh. I hadn't wished for my pills because I don't think even you can get them."

That bruised my ego. "I can get anything," I told her firmly.

"Not this. They're spacial for my heart. There's a list way longer than yours of people who need it. I have to wait until April. Mom says it'll take even longer because important things always do."

"I need to know what the pills are called. Don't you know their name?" She shook her head. "Isn't there something else that you'd like even more?" She shook her head again. "What about what was on the other list?"

"You said that one didn't count," she pointed out. "I knew it'd be too much for you."

I ground my teeth and swore under my breath. The twerp was daring me! I couldn't turn down a dare and I couldn't get her the nameless pills--but I could do better. I grabbed another cookie off of the coffee table. The cookie grew warmer and nearly fell apart in my hands as I worked a little magic. When I was done, it cooled down rapidly. I handed the spiked cookie to the girl. "Eat it," I demanded. She took a tiny bite. "All of it. Remember, I can see if you do." I dissolved before she could say anything in response.

Back in my sleigh a visitor was waiting. "I'm busy," I told Michael. He's got a stick up his ass that drives me nuts.

"We saw what you did."

"The impertinent cretin dared me," I growled.

"And so you cured her."

"Until she finishes the cookie you won't know if there's poison in that last bite."

"We'll see," Michael said, and then he disappeared.

Everyone has a weakness. A sin that they are most likely to commit. Some think mine is lying or greed. My sin isn't on the list that came from the mountain. My sin is trying to make up for what I do all year by buying the love of people everywhere. For one night--this night--I feel loved and accepted by the world. Go on and laugh, but for this one night I won't tempt anyone. That's my true present. So have a merry Christmas, because tomorrow . . . I'm going to get you.